Velvet Goldmine

This picture has been strategically cropped to make sure you don't get penis envy.

So for those that don't know I have a new girlfriend.  She's awesome.  And Nerdy.  Seriously. Y'all should've seen her when I bought her a sonic screwdriver at the comic book store the other day.  It was adorkable.  But anyway, you're not here for that, you're here for a review!  We have this new thing we're going to do because we have completely different taste in movies.  Each time we watch a movie, we're alternating "stuff you have to see" with each other.  In other words: she had never seen Scott Pilgrim.  Now she has.  I had never seen Velvet Goldmine.

Now I've seen Ewan Mcgregor's junk.

Also, starring next to Ewan's family jewels are Toni Collete (United States of Tara fame), Jonathan Rhys Myers (The Tudors), and Christian Bale.  Seriously.  Those are the 4 relevant characters in the movie.  There's lots of others, including Eddie Izzard (playing it amazingly straight in a movie where no one else is) but in very minor parts.

So what was the movie?  I'm really still not sure.  The basic plot is glam rocker Brian Slade faked his death 10 years ago.  What happened after that?  It's set up like Citizen Kane. A reporter is trying to get the story from former colleagues/lovers of the infamous Brian Slade.  Unfortunately the constant time skip isn't clear cut and the only way you can tell what year you are presently in is whether or not Christian Bale is wearing makeup.  Ewan Mcgregor plays punk star Curt Wild who inspires Slade to begin his antics and thus legends were born.  Apparently when this screenplay hit, David Bowie threatened to sue as most of it was based on his unauthorized biography.  So got it, Slade is Bowie, Wild Iggy Pop, and everyone else is made up characters from all the drugs they obviously ingested right?

I know I'm being hard on this movie but its not that I didn't enjoy it.  I just felt like very little happened. The characters don't feel fully fleshed out (except for Slade's wife) and thats a shame because this movie didn't feel short.  This is the director/writers love letter to Glam Rock.  Nothing more, nothing less.  If you like Glam Rock, especially their music videos, this movie is tailor made for you.  In the middle of the story you're suddenly transported to worlds filled with glitter and weird lizard men.  The weird lizard man is then burnt alive in a dollhouse..Yay!!!

I know I've been writing short reviews but nothing more needs to be said about this.  If you like glam rock and are not afraid of a little male nudity, give this one a look.  Its an interesting little piece of tribute.  Just don't think too hard about it.  Plunge in, turn off the brain, and enjoy the spectacle.

-Oz