Spring Breakers

LOOK AT ALL MY SHIT!!! SPRANG BREAAAAAAAK!  SPRANG BREAAAAAK! SPRANG BREAAAAAK FOREVA!

Was that random?  Good.

I possibly saw the simultaneously worst movie and best movie yesterday.  The culprit: Spring Breakers.  I knew nothing about this movie whatsoever but Tuesday night my friend was like "I have to see this movie.  People are saying it's worse than Showgirls!"

After watching it, this is why me and this person are friends.

Lets get down to brass tacks here.  We have James Franco, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and two chicks I didn't really know.  The premise is simple. Four college girls want to go on Sprang Breaaaaaak.  They don't have enough money being not THAT entitled white chicks (except for Selena Gomez).  In the most logical decision ever, they decide to rob a local diner to get it.  They go to Sprang Breaaaaak and an odd path of sociopathy occurs.   I can't explain more because the truth is? That's the entire plot of a 90 minute movie.

This is a movie where you see it and go "What the fuck studio executive thought this was a good idea?"  After some research, I found out the director is the same guy that wrote the movie "Kids", a gritty social commentary on city kids in the early to mid 90s filled with sex, drugs, and general hijinks.

I'm partial to this scene in Kids for some reason.

But back to Sprang Breaaaaakers.   The movie tries hard to be impactful but fails miserably.  It would also appear that there was about 10 minutes of dialogue written for the entire flick as "important" lines are repeated ad nauseum.  I'm not talking a little bit here, like a flashback.  I'm talking full on every time there was a dramatic scene and slow music, the voiceover would kick in with James Franco going "Sprang Breaaaaak, Sprang Breaaaaaak, Sprang Breaaaak foreva..."  Other culprits for the voiceover repeat are "Pretend like it's a video game.  You cant be scared.  You can't be fucking scared of shit!"  Thanks writer of Spring Breakers, now a bunch of Tea Partiers are going to try attribute the insanity of this movie to video game influence on culture.  Between the drama we see more tits, beer bongs, and guys you want to punch in the face than an Ivy League frat house.  

The only high point of the movie is James Franco's wigger "Alien" and his one-liners.  Literally, the movie is just boring until he comes in and after that you're just waiting to see what oddness is going to come out of or into his mouth next.  (Not to spoil, but there's gun cock-sucking in this.  He appears to be really into it.  Yes, I just said gun cock-sucking).

"I'm made of money.  Look at my teef!"

So how did me and my friends handle this insanity we had paid far too much money for?

We laughed our asses off.  We made fun of it.  We played "Are those tits real or fake?"  We literally spent the rest of the night screaming "LOOK AT MY SHIT!"  and whispering "Sprang Breaaaaak"  I'm sure the rest of the theater hated us.  An older lady walked out about 40 minutes in and I can't really say she was wrong to do so.

In my internet lurking, I found comments like  "ANY1 WHO DIDNT LIEK THIZ MOVIE HAZ A PROBLM WITH REALITEE!" and grand forum treatises on how this is a dark social commentary of pop culture.  Please people, share your drugs.  There was no depth here.  There was no hidden message.  This movie was insanity for the sake of insanity.  The funny part is I can't tell if it's tongue in cheek like Snakes on a Plane or trying to be taken seriously.  This thing has cult classic written all over it, not because of it's "great" message or "interesting" use of cinematography, but for the sheer caliber of awful.  This is Plan 9 from Outer Space caliber.  This is Showgirls caliber. This was fucking terrible.

And the most fun I've had at a movie in a long time.  Go with some twisted friends (it'll be funnier), possibly under the influence, and prepare to laugh your ass off at how something like this actually gets financed.

Sprang Breaaaaaak foreva!

-Oz