The QTE:Death Proof

Welcome back to the QTE: Next up, the half double feature...Grindhouse's second segment, DEATHPROOF.



So let's get some backstory on this one.  I've walked out of two movies in my lifetime.  The first was Sin City because I was on a date with an animal lover and the cannibalistic dog was too much for her.  The second was Grindhouse.

What was Grindhouse?  Grindhouse is what happened when hetero-lifemates Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino wanted to do a tribute to 70's Grindhouse horror movies at the drive-in.  In a risky business venture, when you bought a ticket for Grindhouse, it was two movies for the price of one...sorta.

I'm a weird guy.  Im into the dark and weird but I'm a complete pussy when it comes to gore.  I refuse to see Saw or any of the torture porn passing itself off as horror movies this day and age.  I like horror influence, but I don't like the blood and guts that comes with it. The first half of Grindhouse Planet Terror was so disgusting I left so I never saw Death Proof .  My buddy stayed for the entirety and told me not to bother.

Well, thanks to the experiment, I've completed the Grindhouse experience..and...

Huh?

We start with a 70s styles credit scene with on hood camera views on different cars.  With a couple of Tarantino quota bare-feet sticking out windows, this drags too long and reminds me of the opening to the old Batman TV show.  Era friendly as a tribute? Sure why not? They've even purposefully "scratched" up the film and make it jump in places to make feel as if you're in a crappy drive-in in 1975.  Hm.  OK I can go with this idea...but..lets see what happens.

This really feels like two movies in one for me.  The first half has a group of girls, one a local celebrity, drinking, getting high, and in general talking about bullshit.  They pop out cell phones...wait what?  Thought we were going 70s era here...guess not.  Oh well.  Moving on, after 10 minutes of "playful" bitching at each other we get to a diner and Kurt Russel drives by in an old car before speeding off as one of the girls notices.   Russel is Stuntman Mike but we dont find that out until later.  We get to the bar and get more conversation that goes nowhere.  Mike slithers into the bar, stalking.  Talking about old tv shows and movies come and gone that none of these young whippersnappers know of.  He sidles up to a girl who hates the "main" group and they have several exchanges...that go nowhere.  After about 35-40 minutes, Jungle Julia (the local celeb) had said on her morning radio show if a guy comes up to her friend quoting Robert Frost, she'll give them a lap-dance.  Stuntman Mike gives it a shot but at first "Butterfly" rebukes him.  Then we get the best thing about this movie.  Nice little lap-dance reminiscent of Selma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn.  Well, the night begins to wind down and Stuntman Mike reveals that his car is "Death Proof" because it's a movie car and that the girl he's driving home is perfectly safe with him.  The scene turns quickly as she realizes the passenger side is bare bones, with barely a seat and a glass box.  Yet she still gets in the car.  Lets hear it for our American Education system folks!!!  Anyway, things progress from here as Mike reveals he's gonna kill her because to get the benefit of the "Death Proof" car, you have to be on his side.  He jerks the car around and watches the girl bash around and bleed and waits for her to die.  He then takes pictures down from his visor and we see Butterfly, Jungle Julia, and company as next on his list of kills.  He drives out to a secluded road he knows they will be on and positions his deathproof car in front of them with his lights off.  The girls being the "Woo" girls that they are are partying, smoking and drinking and see Stuntman far too late as he crashes into them head on at 200 miles an hour. (in like a 20 foot span.  Hell of a car).  We see the wreck and Tarantino makes sure we see each death at full speed, then in super slo-mo for each girl.  Its a horror movie right? We need gore!  The next scene is in the hospital with the two cops from Kill Bill discussing what had happened.  Stuntman Mike has a couple of broken bones while the four girls are lying gruesomely in the morgue.  The quality middle of nowhere cop decides he'd rather go to NASCAR races than chase down Mike, but he'll make sure he doesn't do it again in Texas.

We're like an hour into the movie folks.  Thats literally all that happened.  Time Jump! 14 MONTHS LATER!  I believe the title card says we're in Tennessee.  Look..its attractive young women in a nice care and Stuntman Mike begins the hunt again.  This group works together on movies and is on a road trip, meeting their friend Zoe.  While camped at a gas station, one of my personal favorite hotties Rosario Dawson has her feet sticking out the window.  Mike of course notices and like all true Tarantino projections, just has to get closer to them...and here's where the movie goes completely off track as Mike licks his fingers and touches her feet.  As a serial killer who's been at it for years obviously, wouldn't you think this would break the ritual?  Eh what do I know?  So Abernathy (Rosario) notices gets creeped out, and pretends like nothing happened. Her and her friends (Tracie Thoms/Mary Elizabeth Winstead, furthering hotness) go pick up Zoe (Zoe Bell playing herself...because we know who Zoe Bell is).  Zoe wants to go testdrive some classic american muscle car in the middle of buttfucking egypt and play some game called sailor's mast.  While they argue about the feasibility of this, eventually stupidity wins over the crowd.  One of the girls gets left with a rapist (as seen later in Kill Bill) while Rosario, Zoe, and Tracie go drive a car in the middle of nowhere. Of course Stuntman Mike is there and starts ramming them/fucking with them while Zoe is on the hood of the car.  Apparently, Tracie's character is the greatest driver of all time as everyone stays completely safe and she even manages to spin Mike out.  Mike gets out of the car laughing and hollers at the ladies.  Tracie Thoms shoots him in the arm.  He freaks out and speeds off.  The girls find Zoe in the bushes (unharmed) and decide "TO GO KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER."  Where was the gun during the whole scene?  Oh well.  We get a long drawn out not exciting chase as Stuntman Mike is reduced to a quivering mess of pussy from one gunshot wound and is caught up to.  The girls beat the piss out of him.  Roll credits.

This one came out as basically a plot summary guys.  You know why?  There were two good things in this movie.  Hot women, and pretty sweet looking cars (even though I'm not a car guy by any means).  The dialogue didn't pop, the story was uninteresting, the action was a yawn, there was little to no striking imagery other than some ass-shots and the movie just failed to cohere into a complete statement.  Theres a place for the tongue in cheek and I get what was being aimed for here, but I think it was a complete swing and a miss.  Even Tarantino admits "he overtweaked" this one and that its "the worst film" he's been involved with.  I have to agree Mr. Tarantino.  I watched in approximately 20 minute segments because that's all I could take without being really bored by the whole thing.   Personally, I would've focused on 1 story or the other, not mashed 2 movies into one.  You could have done the first half in a 10 minute scene showing Mike's pattern of killing and then had Abernathy and company whup his ass just the same.  Or go the terrifying route and end in the hospital with the dead girls, leaving Mike on the loose to kill again and never to be caught.  That would've been a horror movie to me.

So there it is guys, Death Proof.  Coming up are the final two that I've heard nothing negative about:  Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained.  Lets give it a go.

Until next time, Same Oz time, Same Oz channel
-Oz